


Can't Outrun Love, But Still Gonna Try

by jamesilver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Auror Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Partners, Heartbreaking, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Pining, read the summary really, tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:06:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesilver/pseuds/jamesilver
Summary: “What?” Harry said.“She didn’t give me the love potion," Draco said.“But, she had to for you to be—““No, she didn’t, Potter.” Draco refused to meet his eyes.“Well then…how….”“I gave it to myself.” The confession was barely a whisper. Draco knew if he tried to say it any louder, he wouldn’t be able to get it out.“You what?” In response, Draco choked on a sob, still staring at the ceiling. “Draco, why?”“So I could get over you!”__________Or, that in which Draco Malfoy gives himself a love potion to fall in love with someone who is not Harry because he just wants to be happy.





	Can't Outrun Love, But Still Gonna Try

They sat silently, unsure of what words would befit the situation. Was there anything to say? 

 

Draco’s gaze wandered from the window of the train to directly across from him, immediately landing on the interwoven fingers of Ron and Hermione sitting across from him. Their love was disgusting and they just flaunted it in front of everyone. It was a strange parallel, the couple sitting opposite him and Harry. He forced himself to not look longingly at the mere two inches he knew were causally sitting between his hand and Harry’s. 

It just wasn’t fair. And now, Draco was going to go from seeing him every day to not. Harry insisted they would still see each other— they were both going to be aurors, after all. He would go on and on about basic training and how excited he was for everything. Draco couldn’t understand. He didn’t even know fully why he was going to become an auror. Part of him thinks that it’s because something in him is trying to make up for all the wrong he did by righting some of other people’s wrongs. 

If Draco was going to face the reality of the situation, his newfound friendship with Harry was going to whither away as time went on. They had spent nearly every day together through eighth year and, yes, they were going to be seeing a lot of each other during training. But, after that, Harry would move up the ranks quickly, leaving Draco behind, and that was fine. Harry would get interesting cases, difficult cases, and Draco would be stuck doing paperwork for weeks on end. That was just the way things worked. Golden Boy goes to the top, Death Eater scum stayed down at the bottom where they belonged. 

It made him almost want to cry, thinking about that. Not the Death Eater part, but rather the fact that Harry’s life was going to move on without Draco. If Draco would tell the truth— which he wouldn’t about this, not to any living person— he didn’t want a single part of Harry’s life to continue on without him. He wanted to be by Harry’s side through all of it. Just like this last year had been. If Draco’s not there then who will stay up with Harry when he has his nightmares?

And— although Draco could barely admit it to himself— who would sit with him when the insomnia was so bad that he hadn’t slept in weeks? 

As much as it pained him to admit, he needed Harry. 

He turned to look back out the window. 

 

__________

 

As it turned out, he saw a lot of Harry in the coming years. 

A lot. 

Too much. 

Take now, for example. Draco wanted to go home ages ago, but Harry had to get himself roped into a conversation for three hours and Draco was unable to fill out all of this paperwork on his own, thank you very much, so here they were, going over their reports for their last case. At one in the morning.

They were the only ones left in the entire building and Draco was considering murdering his own auror partner if he didn’t pull his head out of his arse and start focusing on the task at hand. 

Yes, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were auror partners and they were seeing way too much of each other. 

Draco almost wished he had a time-turner so he could go back and tell himself on that train not to worry, that he would soon be sick of seeing Potter’s face. 

Well…If Draco was being honest— and that was a rare thing— he would never get sick of Potter’s face. Even though it was constantly on his mind. 

But that still didn’t change the fact that he was upset at Harry right now. 

“Aha, finished!” Harry lifted up a scrawly mess of a report before walking over to Draco’s desk and placing it in front of him for approval. 

He tried to focus on reading the terrible handwriting but Harry was sitting right on the edge of his desk, right next to him, and Draco’s mind was a tad unable to process words. It was all because of the way Harry was sitting. His hands were folded and placed between his legs, and he was sitting up for once, leaning forward and eagerly looking for Draco’s approval. It was way too late for all of this. Draco just wanted to go home. 

After checking it over he handed it back. “I’m leaving,” he said, standing and reaching for his wand that he had left laying on the desk. 

“Wait,” Harry jumped up, quickly. “Do you want to go get a drink?”

Draco’s shoulders actually slumped in response, communicating just how tired he actually was. “Potter, I want to sleep. If you had been able to finish this report a few hours ago, then I may have said yes, but this case has taken a lot out of me and it’s late.” 

Harry nodded, looking at the floor. “Maybe tomorrow night, then?” 

“Tomorrow’s Saturday, Harry.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Don’t you usually go to the pub with the whole group on Saturdays?” 

“Yeah. But I was thinking, ya know, why couldn’t you come too?”

Draco looked Harry dead in the eyes. “Harry, you and I may be on better terms than we used to be, but most of those people still hate me.” 

“Oh, that’s not true,” Harry protested. 

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” The response sounded so fake and Harry’s voice was doing that thing where it got high-pitched to indicate that he wasn’t quite sure. 

“And who besides you would want me there?”

“Luna,” Harry said with conviction. It was true, Luna would be very happy to have more people join them for drinks. 

“Nice try, Potter. I’m going home and I’ll see you Monday.” 

He apparated home before he could hear any more protests. 

 

 

Thirty minutes later he was lying in his bed, still awake and wishing he was having drinks with Harry. He just wanted to  _be with_  Harry. Just wanted to be by his side and watch the way he smiled and the way it always looked slightly lopsided after he had a couple drinks. He wanted to hear the way Harry laughed when he got tipsy and the way he would put his head on Draco’s shoulder for just a moment before Draco sidealonged him home to safety. The way Draco would make sure he got to bed alright and that half-drunk but mostly grateful look he would give Draco when he would say thank you as Draco stood in his bedroom doorway. 

But he couldn’t let himself. He had to limit these interactions with Harry. He had to stop this. 

Draco rolled over onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow and refusing to allow himself to cry. All he wanted was to be next Harry but he knew that if he gave in to that it would only be more difficult. It would only make things worse. 

He had fallen hard and everyday when he thought he had hit the bottom, Harry would look at him and Draco would realize he was still falling in love with Harry. Every day. 

 

__________

 

It was bad and it was getting worse. Draco needed to do something to stop this. 

It was when he saw Harry kissing Ginny one day in the pub that he decided to do something about it about it. For real. Something that he may regret later. 

He got home way too drunk already and still drinking. Crying furiously, he made his decision and became a changed man. 

 

__________

 

“Draco’s being weird.” 

“Since when is Malfoy not weird?” Ron said around a mouthful of food. 

“You’re not acting crazy and thinking he’s up to something, are you?” Hermione gave him a stern look. 

“No, I just…he’s being really weird.”

“Weird how?” Ron said.

Hermione gave him an exasperated look. “Could you please finish chewing before you add to the conversation?” 

Ron paused before taking his next bite. “Weird how?” He stated once more. 

“I don’t know!” Harry wasn’t even eating food, just moving it around his plate with his fork. “He’s been acting like— I can’t explain it, okay? It’s just that I’ve never seen him act this way. I think the closest I can come to describing it is that he’s treating me like he treats everyone else.”

They both gave him a questioning look, and he continued. “Well, you know, in school we were always sort of…revolving around each other. At odds. And then eighth year we became friends and he still didn’t treat me like everyone else, not even his other friends. We have a special relationship because of our past. And then we became auror partners and that was even stronger. I mean, obviously, because of our past and the fact that we’re auror partners but there had always been something there and now its not and he’s acting weird and I don’t like it.” 

Hermione and Ron had both ended up shrugging it off as no big deal, but it was changing nearly everything in Harry’s life. Draco didn’t even joke around with Harry anymore. He simply seemed to do the bare minimum required of him as Harry’s auror partner. It was driving Harry mad and he had no idea why it was happening. 

Another late night of filling out paperwork, and Harry was staring at Draco, bouncing his leg up and down, gnawing on the end of his quill, and overall not doing his paperwork. Draco was likely to get mad at him again. Or, maybe not as things had changed so drastically in the last week. 

“Stop bouncing your leg.” 

“Oh. Sorry.” Harry looked down, feeling sheepish. “Didn’t know you could see that.”

“It’s like a twitch in my peripheral vision.” 

“Sorry.” 

Draco still hadn’t looked up from his work. 

Harry chewed his lip now, quill tapping the desk. “Want to go for drinks after we finish this?” 

“No, I have a date.” 

Harry’s entire body froze. What? He had a date? Since when? Draco doesn’t go on dates. He hadn’t in the entire time Harry had been friends with him. And why would he go on a date with someone and not even mention it to his best friend and auror partner? 

Harry stood up, walking over to sit on Draco’s desk, as per usual. “Why didn’t you tell me? I want to know everything.” 

His heart was almost crushed by the look Draco gave him. It was cold and condescending. And…detached. There was a strange sort of look in his eyes when he looked at Harry. “Please get off my desk.” 

Harry stood, rolling his eyes. “Tell me about this mystery person.” 

“She’s not a mystery person, it’s Astoria Greengrass.” And then, it was like all of Draco’s attention was absorbed into this one topic. “She’s beautiful. I’m taking her to this lovely restaurant tonight and, oh…” Harry began to tune him out. He had never heard Draco talk like this before. Then again, he had never seen Draco in a relationship before. Maybe he was always this clingy and lovey. 

But then Draco said the thing that brought the alarm bells in Harry’s mind to full blast. “I think I’m in love with her.” 

“Draco, how long have you been seeing her?”

“This will be our second date.” 

“Second date?!” This could potentially be very bad. “And when did you start feeling this way about her?”

“I couldn’t tell you, exactly. But, I think I did start feeling it on our first date. She’s just so amazing and gorgeous and…” And there he went off again. 

Harry sat back and watched Draco continue, as if in a daze. There was a big problem here and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

 

__________

 

Harry walked into the pub surprisingly calm, but he began to lose all of that as he made his way to the table Hermione and Ron were already at. Thursday night drinks, just the three of them. Perfect timing. 

He slammed his hands down on the table, startling both of his friends. “We have a terrible problem.”

Ron was looking at him, scandalized. “Yeah, you need to buy me a new drink after you scared me so bad I spilled this one.” 

“There are more important things, Ronald!” Harry all but yelled. 

Hermione reached out and put her hand on his arm. “Harry, why don’t you sit down and take a couple of deep breaths before you tell us what’s going on.”

He did as she said, but only because Hermione was always right. About everything. When he had calmed down a bit, she pat him on the arm and allowed him to continue. 

Harry took a deep breath, not sure he could even bring himself to vocalize what he was thinking. And why was it bothering him so much? Sure, as a friend, he should be concerned, but he shouldn’t be freaking out like this, right? 

He was jittery and his palms were sweaty and his breathing began coming back in short inhales. His stomach felt floppy and his arms felt weak. He could swear there was no blood reaching his toes. He felt a little lightheaded. He might pass out. 

Why was it freaking him out like this? 

Ron snapped in front of his face, pulling him out of his thoughts. He realized they each had a hand on one of his shoulders and that Hermione was trying to get him to breathe with her. He did, inhaling slowly and deeply, exhaling fully and concentrating on the sound of her voice. 

“…Everything’s going to be alright, Harry. Just breathe. Look in my eyes and focus on my voice. It’s going to be okay.” 

Harry nodded to himself before shaking them off lightly. “I’m good, I’m good.” 

He noticed Hermione’s hand had moved to cover the back of his, comforting him. Both of his friends were obviously concerned. He had just had a small panic attack. 

“What’s going on, Harry?” 

He took a steadying breath before replying. “Look, I don’t know why I’m freaking out about it, okay? I’m fine. I just— I know why Draco’s been acting so weird.” 

“Why?”

“I think someone slipped him a love potion.” There was silence at the table. Ron blinked a couple of times, and Harry could tell he was trying to figure out why that had Harry reacting so strongly. 

“And why do you think that, Harry?”

“Well, he’s dating this girl and…I mean, it’s just the way he talks about her. They’ve been on two dates and he’s already saying he’s in love with her.” 

Ron was looking down at his empty glass now, and he muttered something that Harry didn’t quite catch. 

“What was that, Ron?” he asked to clarify. 

He looked up. “I thought Malfoy was into blokes.” 

Harry blinked. Once. Twice. And once more. “What?”

“Yeah.” 

“And why would you think that?” Harry pretended not to notice the look his two best friends shared. 

“Well, I did see him making out with Theodore Nott that one time and I also walked in on him and Blaise back in eighth year when Blaise and I were roommates. Oh, and when I asked him about it, Blaise told me Malfoy’s bent.” 

Harry took a moment to put some things together in his head before a look of understanding came over his face. As soon as his friends saw this look, they seemed relieved. “That only furthers my point that someone slipped him a love potion.” 

Another look was shared between his friends. Harry usually just ignored them— couples, after all— but these seemed significant. They seemed like they were leaving Harry out of something. 

“Why do you care so much if he’s under a love potion?”

“He’s my auror partner and one of my closets friends in the world. Last time one of my friends—“ 

“We’re not going to talk about that.” Ron cut him off immediately. 

“He’s got a point, Harry. You kind of had a panic attack.” 

“I— it— I mean— but, I—“ Harry abandoned his sputtering sentence for a moment. “I don’t know, okay! I’m just concerned!”

“If you’re so concerned, slip him the antidote. If he’s still infatuated with this girl afterwards, then you know it’s real—“

“Unless she drugs him again! Look, I can’t have my partner compromised in the field.”

Another shared look. What was this all about? 

“Give him the antidote and keep him away from her for a bit.” 

“What if it’s in something like—“ 

“Bloody hell, Harry, I don’t know! Just give him the damn antidote and see if it works.” 

Ron was right. “Okay, okay.” Harry turned to Hermione. “Hey, Hermione…could you brew me a love potion antidote?” 

She gave him a flat look and shared another look with Ron. He decided not to mention it right this moment, as he as trying to win a favor. She relented and told him he would have it on his desk tomorrow by lunch. 

 

__________

 

It was three pm where was the bloody antidote? Harry was still jittery and he could see the affects really starting to take hold on Draco. He would sit and stare off into the distance a lot, smiling. Even humming. It was getting increasingly weird. 

A small thunk brought his attention back to his desk. It was here! Thank Merlin. Attached was a note from Hermione. 

“Before you say anything about it being late, I didn’t say when I take lunch.” 

Sounds like Hermione, that's for sure. He stood, slipping the bottle into his pocket. 

“Hey, Draco,” he called. 

Breaking out of a daze, Draco looked over. “Yes?”

“I’m going to go get tea. You want me to bring you some?” 

“Sure.” The humming resumed as Harry left the room. 

He took the two cups and faced a corner, discreetly slipping the bottle out of his pocket and emptying it into one of the cups. Harry walked back through the office carefully so as to not forget which cup he had put it in. When he set it down in front of Draco, he was sure it was the right one. Then, he sat on his desk and waited. 

“Thank you, Harry,” Draco said dreamily, obviously still thinking about Astoria. Then, he picked up the tea and took a couple of sips. 

Harry watched as he blinked. Then again. And then his eyes snapped to meet Harry’s. Draco was on his feet in an instant, advancing toward Harry’s desk. 

“What did you do?” he asked in a low voice. Harry tensed up. Draco was angry. Why would he be angry?

“I—“

“What did you  _do_ , Potter?”

“I slipped the antidote for a love potion in your tea.” 

“Fucking…” Draco looked away obviously upset and looking like he was going to hit Harry. 

“I know it can be difficult to understand and process, but I think Astoria slipped you a love potion and as your friend—“ 

Draco whirled around. “As my friend?” His volume made Harry jump slightly. What was his issue? “As my  _friend_?” 

“Yes, are we not friends?” 

“Potter, I was happy. Did you think about that?”

Well, no. No, Harry didn’t think about that. Because even if he was happy, he should be able to have that happiness for real instead of artificially. And he said so. 

Draco made a frustrated noise, looking away once more. His eyes began to well with tears and Harry couldn’t believe what he was seeing. 

“Potter, all I wanted was to be happy. And I was. For one single, blissful week of my fucking life I was happy with no considerations for anything else. No little intrusive thoughts telling me it was all going to end. I was  _happy_ , Potter, do you not care about that? Artificial or not, I was  _happy_.”

“But, she betrayed your trust! She gave you—“

“No, she didn’t.” Draco’s voice was so quiet Harry almost didn’t hear it. But, he didn’t want to believe what he did hear. 

“What?”

“She didn’t give me the love potion.”

“But, she had to for you to be—“

“No, she didn’t, Potter.” Draco refused to meet his eyes. 

“Well then…how….”

“You know how good I am with potions. I’ve found a way to make a love potion that causes the person ingesting it to fall in love with whoever the potion was made for them to fall in love with, not necessarily the giver.”

“Draco, I don’t understand.” 

He looked up now and Harry could see his face was wet and his cheeks were blotchy. He had forgotten how his face would always get so red whenever he cried. 

Draco stared up at the ceiling, still refusing to meet Harry’s eyes. 

“I gave it to myself.” The confession was barely a whisper. Draco knew if he tried to say it any louder, he wouldn’t be able to get it out. 

“You what?” In response, Draco choked on a sob, still staring at the ceiling. “Draco, why?”

“So I could get over you!” Draco’s eyes snapped to Harry’s, the volume change felt in his bones. His mouth fell open, but before he could react, Draco was gone. The crack of the apparition left the room feeling empty, and Harry feeling confused. 

He went to drink alone that night, needing to process what had just happened. As he stared at the bottom of his third glass, it all finally made sense. The way Draco was always talking eighth year about them never seeing each other. The looks. 

One drink later, and the rest of it clicked into place. 

Why Harry had a panic attack. Why he had freaked out so much. Not because his friend was under the influence of a love potion, but because Draco was in love with someone. Someone else. And when he thought about it, he realized that he wanted Draco. He wanted him so much. 

Harry covered his mouth with a hand to stop a sob from escaping in the pub. Draco Malfoy— the man Harry now knew he actually had at least a bit of a crush on, if not was in love with— was so unhappy in his life that he gave himself a love potion to get over Harry. 

Draco gave himself a love potion to get over Harry. 

He had never heard of anything more tragic. It was heartbreaking that a person would ever get to that low of a point in their life. And it made sense why Draco had never had any relationships before: he was in love with Harry. 

So much so that he literally could not get over it. 

Not without help. 

Harry stood, knowing that he had to find Draco immediately. 

Luckily, when he knocked on the door to Draco’s flat, he was answered with a muffled “whoever you are, go away,” that came from a very drunk Draco. He obviously didn’t even consider that it might be Harry: he always would just use the floo. That is, if he didn’t apparate in. But something about doing that now didn’t feel quite right, so he knocked again. 

There was the sound of shattering glass by the door. “I said go away!” The yell was much louder now, although Harry assumed not any closer. 

He knocked again. 

From inside he could hear the small crashes and thumps of what was clearly someone thumping though the house in a rage before Draco threw open the door. 

As soon as he saw Harry, whatever he was about to yell just evaporated. 

Harry looked at him, taking in his disheveled hair and the bottle in his hand, the tear stained cheeks and the way his breathing was uneven. Harry knew what he had to do. 

Lurching forward, Harry grabbed Draco and pulled him in, pressing their lips together. Part of him had expected Draco to push him off or slap him, but instead he heard the bottle crash to the floor before feeling Draco’s hands on his face and in his hair and hearing the door latch behind him as Draco pulled him inside. 

Harry broke the kiss first. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” 

“Why would I have?”

“Draco, I— I don’t want to lose you. I never have. And it wasn’t until tonight that I really understood how deeply I mean that. Please…don’t ever do something like that again. I understand if you ever stop wanting me but please just—“

Draco cut him off. “You’re rambling. And I won’t do that again. It was stupid. I just wanted to be happy and that seemed like the best idea. I came up with it when I was very drunk and then once I was sober I was already under the influence so it seemed like a good idea to keep taking it. But, for the record, I kept the antidote on me at all times in case I changed my mind.”

“Yeah, but you would never have used it.”

“Fucking hell, Potter, I realize tha—“

“Okay, okay, sorry. I just. It really scared me, Draco. But, it did make me realize that I don’t want to see you with anyone else. I can’t imagine you with someone else. It’s been you and me for years. I want it to stay that way.”

“Me too, Harry. Me too.” Draco pulled him in for another kiss, knowing he would never need to brew another love potion again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, that last line was super cheesy I know but who cares??
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!! Please feel free to leave a comment and/ or message me on [ tumblr ](https://www.shelvesuponshelves.tumblr.com)
> 
> I am also currently taking ficlet requests on [ tumblr ](https://www.shelvesuponshelves.tumblr.com)


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